Self-Invalidation: Protective, Not Just Painful

Most people have experienced the pain of feeling invalidated at some point in our lives. We have confided in a friend or family member our difficult feelings or experiences only to be told that the problem has this “incredibly easy solution, and why didn’t you think of that before?!” or that things are being blown out of proportion. These things may have even been said to you in an effort to be helpful with no kind of malicious intent, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is painful to deal with.

Many people also experience the pain of self-invalidation, where we are the person saying such things to ourselves. Things like:

“But it wasn’t really that bad” 

“I’m just being dramatic”

“It’s not that big of a deal”

You may have even processed the fact that you do this in therapy. You may have explored how unhelpful and unkind these statements are for yourself, and know logically that it doesn’t actually fix the situation or make you feel better.

So why do we continue to do it?

A significant potential reason why this is the case is that self-invalidation, in a way, makes the difficult situation easier. Or at least, it makes us think that it’s easier.

If we tell ourselves over and over again that something wasn’t that bad, or that big of a deal, chances are a small part of us will begin to believe it. The problem becomes smaller in our mind, and it at least feels like maybe it isn’t as big of a hurdle as it actually is. Confronting the idea that maybe it was actually that bad or was that big of a deal means that the problem is…bad. A big deal. And we humans don’t want to have to deal with that, leading to self-validation being the solution.

What can we do instead?

Though we may not immediately be able to change the fact that what we are experiencing is a big deal, we can provide validation and support to ourselves. Maybe something along the lines of:

“This is pretty bad. But I can take a deep breath now, and figure out the first step of what I want to do.”

"I can experience these emotions and decide where I want to go from here.”

“It’s a pretty big deal. It sucks that this is the case. I’ll figure it out.”

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You don’t have to navigate these emotions alone. At Compassionate Healing, our therapists are here to help you feel seen, heard, and supported. Contact us today and take your first step toward self-compassion and meaningful healing.

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