Are you a perfectionist? Or maybe you feel that no matter what you do, what you accomplish, it’s never good enough? Many of the clients who come to work with us feel the same. They experience feelings of worthlessness, low self-confidence, or high levels of burnout. They feel that no matter the effort they put into their life and goals, something about it simply is not good enough.
That they are not good enough.
What is quite fascinating is the fact that, without a doubt, these are the clients who are trying the hardest. They are the ones who are up into the early hours of the morning completing math homework, the ones who spend every waking hour on their work, the ones who come to therapy and are willing to do the work to better themselves, their lives, and their futures.
So why is it that the hardest workers are often the least satisfied with themselves? Is it their competence that is in question here? Their confidence, surely. But they are usually the ones who have accomplished more, and are pretty much always the ones who have been working hardest. It could be argued that the expectations they have of themselves are the root of the issue. Here’s a metaphor to describe this:
Person A and Person B are standing on a running track. Both are of the same athletic ability, both are in peak condition. Both athletes are given the following instructions:
Run as far as you can.
And Person A begins.
Person A runs. And runs. And runs. They go for a very long time. They are breathing heavily, their heart rate is high. They run far. But eventually, they grow fatigued. They become tired. And they keep pushing, keep trying their absolute best. But finally, they stumble and slow to a stop. They are bent over, hands on their knees, panting and utterly exhausted from the effort that they had just put in.
“That’s it.” They gasp, still bent over. “I ran as far as I could, but I’m exhausted. I need water, I need food, I need to sleep.” They leave, they walk much slower than they had on their trip to the track.
Then Person B begins.
Person B runs. And runs. And runs. They go for a very long time. They are breathing heavily, their heart rate is high. They run far. But eventually, they grow fatigued. They become tired. And they keep pushing, keep trying their absolute best. They stumble, but keep going. And going. And going. They trip at one point, bloodying their knees on the rough pavement. Still, they pick themselves up and keep running, gasping for air, clearly dehydrated, clearly not okay. But still they run, until it turns to a jog, until it turns to a limp. Until they collapse to their hands and knees. And even then, they crawl. And crawl. And crawl. Until their arms and legs give out, and they are dragging themselves forward by their fingertips.
And then they collapse.
“That’s it.” They gasp, barely able to breathe. “I ran as far as I could.” They are unable to get to their feet. EMS is called, and they are taken to the hospital. Their recovery takes weeks.
Person A is ready to run again, farther, faster, two days later.
Ultimately, both runners tried their best. But most of our clients see themselves in Person B. And they are exhausted. If Person B sounds like you, then it's important to prioritize self-care first and foremost, and learn to develop SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound) with emphasis on the “A." It can also help to set expectations for your day based on your energy level in the present moment, instead of holding yourself to the same, exceptionally high standards even if you're overtaxed or needing to rest. You deserve to take care of yourself. You deserve to rest. Taking care of yourself is not a sign of failure or weakness. It’s a process that many of have been through. It’s a hard one.
But it’s indescribably worth it. Our clients report an increase in energy, joy, and self-confidence when they listen to and honor their needs. When they learn to set their expectations more in-line with Person A, they find themselves able to increase their own capabilities and strive towards their goals in a healthy, sustainable way.
Soon enough they are running further than Person B ever could and loving every second of it.
If you are dealing with the kinds of thoughts and experiences described in this story, please reach out to Compassionate Healing to see how we may be of assistance to you. It would be our honor to help you on your journey.
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