Setting boundaries with family and other loved ones is a frequently discussed topic for many therapy-goers. Interpersonal conflict resolution work often includes the difficult work of setting boundaries. These conflicts can become more rampant with increased contact, such as times of larger transition and various seasonal holidays (as referenced in another blog post, 22% of participants in one study specifically reported that they had already experienced or anticipated upcoming conflict with their family in mid-November).
Unfortunately, the topic of boundaries is frequently (and understandably!) misunderstood. Here are some of the most common misconceptions about boundaries, along with specific examples on how to be more effective in your boundary-setting.
Misconception #1: Boundaries are about controlling what other people do.
Boundaries are not about controlling other people’s behaviors, but your own. Many clients may return frustrated with their attempts at boundary setting, reporting that it did not work because the behavior of the other person did not change. Thankfully, the behavior of another person does not have to change for you to be successful.
Misconception #2: I have to be aggressive in setting my boundaries.
The thought of being mean or aggressive, especially to people that you may care about most, is understandably frightening. This is not necessary for good boundary-setting. Boundaries are often kind and often involve doing less, rather than doing more.
Misconception #3: Boundaries are selfish.
People accused of setting boundaries may be accused of being selfish. The reality is, no one in any kind of relationship should be suffering (including you). Boundaries, with time and practice, usually better the relationship between the people they are being set with and overall increase the relationship health.
Setting Boundaries
Healthy boundaries often operate in if-then patterns. If (other person’s behavior) happens, then I will (engage in this behavior). They will often follow requests that have been unheard (intentionally or not) and most depend on follow-through. That is, following through on your behavior. If you have informed your parent that you will end the call if they continue to yell at you, you will need to end the call if they continue to yell at you. Over time, people will take you at your word.
Examples
Instead of... | Try... |
You aren’t allowed to speak to me like that! | If you raise your voice to me again, I will be walking away from this conversation. |
You need to stop calling me over and over again when I’m busy. | I will not answer my phone when I am at work, and if I am called multiple times for non-emergencies I will start putting my phone on silent. |
Stop asking me when we are having children, we have been over this a million times. | I have already stated that I do not have an interest in discussing the possibility of having children, if the questioning continues I will no longer be interested in speaking with you. |
Should you be interested in continuing your practice, please do not hesitate to reach out. Compassionate Healing is here to help.
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